Friday, October 8, 2010

Getting My Just Desserts

Customer: What kind of pie do you have?
Me: Chocolate cream, banana cream, coconut cream, apple, cherry, raspberry, blueberry, strawberry rhubarb, or peach.
Customer: pumpkin?
Me: No.
Customer: Oh..that's what I was hoping for.
Me: *sigh* Then why didn't you just ask for that in the first place?

Customer: What kind of desserts do you have?
Me: Well..for pies we have chocolate cream, banana cream, coconut cream, apple, cherry, raspberry, blueberry, strawberry rhubarb, or peach...there's also cheese cakes, strawberry short cake..blah blah blah..blah blah blah what did you decide on?
Customer: Me? Oh, nothing..I was just curious
Me: .......

Me: Can I get you folks anything else? Did you save room for dessert?
Table: Well..what do you have?
Me: Well..for pies we have blah blah blah blah ...blah blah blah....etc
Table: Um..well...I'm just too full..are you guys going to have anything??? I'll have something if you have guess not..
Me: So you're all set then?
Table: Yup.
Me: Are you SURE? You're good to go?
Table: Yup.
Me: Okay..I'll get your check.....................Well here it folks have a good night now.
Table: Oh..we changed our mind..What did you say you had again?
Me: *sigh* *scribble scribble scribble*

Me: Did you save room for dessert?
Customer: No. What kind of pies do you have?
Me: Seriously?

Friday, September 24, 2010

Refined Tastes

Customer: What sort of exotic teas do you have?

Me: Um..exotic doesn't really work around here...We have regular, decaf, or green.

Customer: hmmmm...well..i was looking for more exotic..take for instance, we were just at the McDonald's on the turnpike and they had all sorts of exotic teas. And I figured if McDonald's had exotic teas than everyone must.

Me: Sorry..not in this're quite a ways from the turnpike. Exotic has too many syllables for most of the individuals around here.

Customer: Well..they had that lovely tea..what was it? Oh..CHAM-O-MILE. It was delicious.

Me: You mean chamomile? can get that at Wal-Mart...but not here.

Stupid Question of the Day

Customer: What the hell is plum pie!?
Me: It's pie..with plums in it.
Customer: Smart ass
Me: wah?

Saturday, September 18, 2010


Customer: What the hell did you do to your hair? How come your hair's all red?
Me: How come yours isn't?

Ask me stupid questions...receive stupid answers

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Full Moon

You can always tell when the full moon is approaching...the weirdos come out of the woodwork and descend on the diner. Even regulars turn a bit wonky. I've asked to have the week off preceding this lunar phase, but my boss will have none of it :(

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Special Moments 2

Me: Can I get you Folks something else to drink?
Customer: No, but can we get a couple decafs?
Me: .....Yup...

Customer: What's your specials?
Me: They're on the board..right in front of you...and on the board you glanced at when you first
came in..and on the board you passed on your way to the restroom...

Customer: What's your soups?
Me: *sigh* They're on the board..right in front of you..and on the board you glanced at when you first came in..and on the board you passed on your way to the restroom....

Customer: Can I get the deluxe burger? What does that come with?
Me: says right in the menu what it comes either you're testing my knowledge or you're just living dangerously on the wild side today

Me: Hi, Folks. All set to order?
Customers: ..............
Me: Would you like some more time?
Customers: ..............................
Me: Would you like another minute???
Customers: ..........................
Me: How 'bout I give you another minute.
Customers: ...........................
Me: Swell

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Special Moments

Me: Would you like regular or decaf?
Customer: Yes.

Does your bottled water come in a bottle?
Me: Yes..wait..what?

Me: Hi folks, how are you doing today?
Customer: Gimmie a Pepsi.

I'll have two eggs..any style with toast.
Me: How would you like your eggs styled?

Me: What kind of toast would you like?
Customer: Ughh normal?

Customer: I'll have a bacon cheeseburger with fries, extra mayo..cheese on my fries too..a side of cole slaw...oh..and a diet whatever to drink

Me: Hi there..can I get you anything to drink?
Customer: I'll have the soup

Me: Would you like tarter or cocktail sauce?
Customer: Which is the white?

Me: What can I get you today?
Customer: Food
Me: Yup..funny..never heard that one before

Me: What can I get you to drink?
Customer: Whiskey
Me: Yup..funny...never heard that one before...and's 7am

Can I get my eggs scrambles? You can do that right?
Me: Yup..I think we can handle it. We even do over easy...but only on holidays...

Customer: What's the difference between the turkey sandwich and the turkey dinner?
Me: One's a sandwich and one's a dinner

Are your mashed potatoes real?
Me: Nope..they're imaginary.

Customer: Can I get the vegetable omelet with onions, peppers, mushrooms and tomatoes.
Me: Sure..but don't need to read me the description..I work here..I know what's in it..that's solely for your benefit.

Is your fried chicken fried?
Me: errrrr...seriously?

Can I get fries with that?
Me: It comes with says so..right there on the menu

Customer: Um..excuse me...I ordered my burger rare..this is still bloody.
Me: Do you actually know what rare means?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

You Can't Make This Up

You know the ones..the moment they walk in the door you inwardly groan because you know you're in for at least a half hour of hell.

The two "ladies" are old..the third is ancient and known only as 'Grandma'.


Myself: "What can I get you ladies *ahem* to drink?"

Number 1: "Coffee." (mush-mouth on account of no teeth)

Number 2: "I'll have a Pepsi." (mush-mouth on account of no teeth smoker's voice)

Myself to Grandma: "And what can i get you to drink?" no response.... "Ma'am..WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DRINK??"

Grandma: "huh? What's the soup?"

Myself: *sigh* "I don't know the soup. It's 10am."

Number 1: "GRANDMA...YOU WANT SOME TEA??" blank stare

Number 2: "GRANDMA...YOU WANT SOME HOT TEA???" blank stare

Number 1 & 2: "GRANDMA...YOU WANT SOME HOT TEA!?!?!?"

Grandma: "I'll have some tea."



Myself: "Are you ladies *ahem* ready to order?"

Number 1: "I'll have the roast beef."

Myself: "You mean the hot roast beef sandwich?"

Number 1: "No..the dinner."

Myself: "We don't have a roast beef dinner."

Number 1: "I want it rare though. How rare is it?"

Myself: "Er...we don't have a roast beef dinner...just a hot sandwich."

Number 1: "I gotta have my roast beef rare..other wise it's just pot roast."


Number 1: "Oh..Why not?"

Myself: "I don't know..I don't make up the menu."

Number 1: "Is it rare?"

Myself: "For the sandwich?'s thin sliced and heated so it's not rare."

Number 1 to Number 2: "TSK...I can't believe it..we have to go to the Island to get anything decent to eat."

outwardly smiling in a grimace

Number 1: "You don't even have french onion soup."

Myself: "Yes we's right on the menu there...under your thumb..."

Number 1: " didn't tell me you had french onion soup."

Myself: *sigh* "You didn't ask if we had it."

Number 1: "I'll have french onion soup"

Myself to Number 2: "And what can I get you?"

Number 2: "What do you have for dinner?"

Myself: "You mean today's special? I don't know that's 10am."

Number 2: "No..what do you have for DINNER?"

A little dumbfounded here...

Myself: "'s all right here under Entrees." pointing to the entree section that she's already spent 10 minutes staring at...

Number 1: "You can't get dinner's too early..they won't let you."

I love individuals that know the innermost workings of a place they've never been employed

Myself: "ACTUALLY..she can get anything on the menu right now."

Number 2: "Yes..but what do you HAVE?"

Really dumbfounded here because I know Number 2 can read

Myself: "It's all right here..." jab jab jab ""

Number 2: "oh...but I want mash potatoes."

Myself: "Okayyyy....You can have mash potatoes with any of the dinners..."

Number 2 to Number 1: "I want mash potatoes..look at's eleven dollars. I'm not paying that for mash potatoes."

Myself: "Well..Ma''re paying for a full entree..with salad bar and everything..that's why it's over ten dollars."

Number 2: "But I don't want to pay eleven dollars for mash potatoes."

inwardly crying

Myself: "You don't HAVE to get a can just have a side of mashed potatoes if you want."

Number 2: "I don't what just mashed potatoes!"

grinding teeth

Myself: "Then get some cole slaw or SOMETHING."

Number 2: "I DON'T want coleslaw! hmmm...Oh I know! I'll have a hamburger deluxe. That comes with fries right?"

Myself: "Yes." as an after thought..."WAIT..would you like mashed potatoes instead?"

Number 2: "I can do that?"

Myself: *sigh* " can do that..."

Number 2: "oh that would be lovely!" to Number 1: "oh look it comes with coleslaw. I love coleslaw."

Dear God..please give me strength..that butter knife is only 3 inches away...

Myself to Grandma: "And what can I get you?" blank stare

Number 1: "GRANDMA!! YOU HUNGRY?" blank stare

Number 2: "GRANDMA!! ARE YOU HUNGRY??" blank stare

Number 1 & 2: "GRANDMA!!! YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?!?!?!"

Grandma: "What's the soup?"

Myself: *SIGH* "We have cream of broccoli or tomato corn." Grandma thinks for a moment and shakes her head


Twenty minutes later I go to check on them. I ask Number 1 if she would like more coffee...she does. The moment I start pouring she moves her mug and coffee goes everywhere....

Monday, January 18, 2010

Quote of the Day

Customer: "Can I have the broccoli soup?"

Myself: "Would you like a cup or bowl?"

Customer: "Which one is bigger?"