Thursday, October 15, 2009

Vacation's Over

I was enjoying the post euphoria of my weekend's vacation to Seattle, but work managed to chip away at that rather quickly. It was completely shattered today upon checking the men's room for cleaning. There had been a bit (and by "bit" I mean a noxious stench just shy of being accompanied by fluorescent green fumes) of an odor seeping out from there all morning, but that's not too out of the ordinary...rednecks seem to think it the norm to shit in public toilets and not at least do a courtesy spray afterward.

Around the middle of my shift i went to check the restrooms to see if they needed any cleaning. Upon checking the men's room I soon discovered where the aroma had been coming from.

Someone (and they better pray I never find out who) had proceeded to take a donkey size shit in their pants. A large pile found it's way onto the floor next to the toilet...which they attempt to cleverly hide with a paper towel....

This is a transcription of what ensued..bare with me...I'm recalling it from memory and I'm slightly traumatized...

hmmm...someone dropped a paper towel on the's squishy...DAMN IT!! *runs and grabs gloves* attempting to flush the pile...DAMN!! it's stuck...*fishes most of the paper towel out of the toilet* SONOFABITCH!! okay..toilet's flushing spray..I NEED CLEANING SPRAY!!! *opens cupboard under sink..wait..what's that?? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?!?

Our individual, instead of just throwing Them in the trash, has taken it upon themselves to shove their shit laden tightie whities under the the process smearing shit all over into the wood. When i say DONKEY LOAD I am not kidding...jesus how can one bowl hold so much shit?!?!?

*grabs pure bleach spray and hoses down everything* scrub scrub scrub


I am Jack's raging bile duct.....

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Placebo Effect

We have a group of individuals that dine regularly at my work. I believe their very existence is defined by a fresh cup of decaf coffee. It surpasses annoying and borders on obnoxious. If the batch is not started before their eyes then it must be conspiracy to serve them old coffee. I know decaf doesn't stay "fresh" for long but seriously...10 minutes won't kill.

(i used the term "fresh" loosely since the stuff is ground already when we get it and sits in the open air for days on end before it's even brewed..only the finest for our connoisseurs)

A few nights ago i had the opportunity to test the prowess of their palates. Upon their arrival I started the fresh *cough* batch of decaf..just shy of waving my arms in front of the machine like a Price is Right girl. Once completed I made of spectical of pulling out a rack of coffee mugs...which contained no less than 6 white decaf cups..and declaring a decimal above indoor voice, "where the heck are all the decaf cups? I'll have to go get some from the other side."*

*a brief layout of schematics: there is a wall that divides our dining room and separates the counter area from the rest...allowing for maximum cover in such a covert operation.

I brought the fresh *ahem* pot with me to the counter side of the wall...grabbed the pot of decaf there, that had sat for no less than an hour, and dumped it into their mugs. Pour new decaf into old pot...these guys are detectives...if they had seen me return with a still full pot the proverbial gig would have been up.

Return to my section of dining room...make show of placing now mostly empty pot back on burner...graciously set mugs on their table...sit back and observe.

10 minutes later:

Cups are half empty...

ME: "How's the coffee?"
THEM: "Oh excellent, Dear."
ME: "Warm up?
THEM: "Certainly!"


Thursday, August 27, 2009

Special Moment of the Day

An elderly woman asks for an iced coffee. Normally we do not serve iced coffee at my work so my coworker..let's call her Dana...brings her a glass with coffee and ice, a glass of extra ice, and a dish of creamers so she can assemble as desired.

Woman looks perplexed. "Well how does this work?" she asks. *picks up glass of coffee (already containing ice)..squints into it..."Is there ice in here?"

Coworker Dana patiently explains, "Yes there's ice in there...and there's extra ice if you need it."

20 minutes later:

Dana returns to check on the table....Coffee remains untouched.

Woman sighs exasperated. "Well, how am I supposed to put this together???" Even husband is embarrassed now.

Dana...not really knowing how to respond...replies, "Well, Ma' OPEN a CREAMER"..*mimes opening a creamer*.."and POUR it into the coffee"..*mimes daintily pouring a tiny creamer into the coffee*.."if you want add sugar..if you want more add more ice.."

Woman looks perplexed while pondering complicated assembly instructions. Stares at coffee for a moment...

"Can i just get an iced tea??"


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Can I Retire Yet??

I seat an elderly couple a few days ago...

"Hi, Folks. Can I start you off with something to drink?"

The gentleman replies, "I'll have coffee." He adds, "black" as an after thought.
She says she'll have coffee too.

I bring them the coffee. I then realized the gentleman only answered for himself in regards to how he wanted his coffee so I ask the woman if she needs any cream for hers.

She pauses with a bewildered look and replies..."Oh no...I'll have the chipped beef on toast...THAT'S my favorite."

okay...*sigh* one S.O.S. I'm in the process of writing this she taps me on the arm, points to her coffee and asks, "is there any cream for this?"

Seriously....can I please retire now?