You Can't Make This Up

You know the ones..the moment they walk in the door you inwardly groan because you know you're in for at least a half hour of hell.

The two "ladies" are old..the third is ancient and known only as 'Grandma'.

STAGE 1: DRINK ORDERS

Myself: "What can I get you ladies *ahem* to drink?"

Number 1: "Coffee." (mush-mouth on account of no teeth)

Number 2: "I'll have a Pepsi." (mush-mouth on account of no teeth smoker's voice)

Myself to Grandma: "And what can i get you to drink?" no response.... "Ma'am..WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DRINK??"

Grandma: "huh? What's the soup?"

Myself: *sigh* "I don't know the soup. It's 10am."

Number 1: "GRANDMA...YOU WANT SOME TEA??" blank stare

Number 2: "GRANDMA...YOU WANT SOME HOT TEA???" blank stare

Number 1 & 2: "GRANDMA...YOU WANT SOME HOT TEA!?!?!?"

Grandma: "I'll have some tea."

*sigh*

STAGE 2: FOOD ORDERS

Myself: "Are you ladies *ahem* ready to order?"

Number 1: "I'll have the roast beef."

Myself: "You mean the hot roast beef sandwich?"

Number 1: "No..the dinner."

Myself: "We don't have a roast beef dinner."

Number 1: "I want it rare though. How rare is it?"

Myself: "Er...we don't have a roast beef dinner...just a hot sandwich."

Number 1: "I gotta have my roast beef rare..other wise it's just pot roast."

Myself: "WE DON'T HAVE A ROAST BEEF DINNER."

Number 1: "Oh..Why not?"

Myself: "I don't know..I don't make up the menu."

Number 1: "Is it rare?"

Myself: "For the sandwich? No..it's thin sliced and heated so it's not rare."

Number 1 to Number 2: "TSK...I can't believe it..we have to go to the Island to get anything decent to eat."

inwardly thinking PLEASE GO BACK TO THE ISLAND AND DON'T COME BACK!!!
outwardly smiling in a grimace

Number 1: "You don't even have french onion soup."

Myself: "Yes we do..it's right on the menu there...under your thumb..."

Number 1: "OH..you didn't tell me you had french onion soup."

Myself: *sigh* "You didn't ask if we had it."

Number 1: "I'll have french onion soup"

Myself to Number 2: "And what can I get you?"

Number 2: "What do you have for dinner?"

Myself: "You mean today's special? I don't know that yet...it's 10am."

Number 2: "No..what do you have for DINNER?"

A little dumbfounded here...

Myself: "errr..it's all right here under Entrees." pointing to the entree section that she's already spent 10 minutes staring at...

Number 1: "You can't get dinner yet..it's too early..they won't let you."

I love individuals that know the innermost workings of a place they've never been employed

Myself: "ACTUALLY..she can get anything on the menu right now."

Number 2: "Yes..but what do you HAVE?"

Really dumbfounded here because I know Number 2 can read

Myself: "It's all right here..." jab jab jab "HERE...see..ham...steak...fish...meatloaf...HERE."

Number 2: "oh...but I want mash potatoes."

Myself: "Okayyyy....You can have mash potatoes with any of the dinners..."

Number 2 to Number 1: "I want mash potatoes..look at this...it's eleven dollars. I'm not paying that for mash potatoes."

Myself: "Well..Ma'am..you're paying for a full entree..with salad bar and everything..that's why it's over ten dollars."

Number 2: "But I don't want to pay eleven dollars for mash potatoes."

inwardly crying

Myself: "You don't HAVE to get a dinner..you can just have a side of mashed potatoes if you want."

Number 2: "I don't what just mashed potatoes!"

grinding teeth

Myself: "Then get some cole slaw or SOMETHING."

Number 2: "I DON'T want coleslaw! hmmm...Oh I know! I'll have a hamburger deluxe. That comes with fries right?"

Myself: "Yes." as an after thought..."WAIT..would you like mashed potatoes instead?"

Number 2: "I can do that?"

Myself: *sigh* "Yes..you can do that..."

Number 2: "oh that would be lovely!" to Number 1: "oh look it comes with coleslaw. I love coleslaw."

Dear God..please give me strength..that butter knife is only 3 inches away...

Myself to Grandma: "And what can I get you?" blank stare

Number 1: "GRANDMA!! YOU HUNGRY?" blank stare

Number 2: "GRANDMA!! ARE YOU HUNGRY??" blank stare

Number 1 & 2: "GRANDMA!!! YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?!?!?!"

Grandma: "What's the soup?"

Myself: *SIGH* "We have cream of broccoli or tomato corn." Grandma thinks for a moment and shakes her head

OH NOW YOU CAN HEAR!?!?!?!

Twenty minutes later I go to check on them. I ask Number 1 if she would like more coffee...she does. The moment I start pouring she moves her mug and coffee goes everywhere....

Quote of the Day

Customer: "Can I have the broccoli soup?"

Myself: "Would you like a cup or bowl?"

Customer: "Which one is bigger?"


*sigh*

Vacation's Over

I was enjoying the post euphoria of my weekend's vacation to Seattle, but work managed to chip away at that rather quickly. It was completely shattered today upon checking the men's room for cleaning. There had been a bit (and by "bit" I mean a noxious stench just shy of being accompanied by fluorescent green fumes) of an odor seeping out from there all morning, but that's not too out of the ordinary...rednecks seem to think it the norm to shit in public toilets and not at least do a courtesy spray afterward.

Around the middle of my shift i went to check the restrooms to see if they needed any cleaning. Upon checking the men's room I soon discovered where the aroma had been coming from.

Someone (and they better pray I never find out who) had proceeded to take a donkey size shit in their pants. A large pile found it's way onto the floor next to the toilet...which they attempt to cleverly hide with a paper towel....

This is a transcription of what ensued..bare with me...I'm recalling it from memory and I'm slightly traumatized...

hmmm...someone dropped a paper towel on the floor...ooo...nope...it's squishy...DAMN IT!! *runs and grabs gloves* attempting to flush the pile...DAMN!! it's stuck...*fishes most of the paper towel out of the toilet* SONOFABITCH!! okay..toilet's flushing now..whew...cleaning spray..I NEED CLEANING SPRAY!!! *opens cupboard under sink..wait..what's that?? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?!?

Our individual, instead of just throwing Them in the trash, has taken it upon themselves to shove their shit laden tightie whities under the sink..in the process smearing shit all over into the wood. When i say DONKEY LOAD I am not kidding...jesus how can one bowl hold so much shit?!?!?

*grabs pure bleach spray and hoses down everything* scrub scrub scrub

MOTHER FUCKER!!!!

I am Jack's raging bile duct.....

The Placebo Effect

We have a group of individuals that dine regularly at my work. I believe their very existence is defined by a fresh cup of decaf coffee. It surpasses annoying and borders on obnoxious. If the batch is not started before their eyes then it must be conspiracy to serve them old coffee. I know decaf doesn't stay "fresh" for long but seriously...10 minutes won't kill.

(i used the term "fresh" loosely since the stuff is ground already when we get it and sits in the open air for days on end before it's even brewed..only the finest for our connoisseurs)

A few nights ago i had the opportunity to test the prowess of their palates. Upon their arrival I started the fresh *cough* batch of decaf..just shy of waving my arms in front of the machine like a Price is Right girl. Once completed I made of spectical of pulling out a rack of coffee mugs...which contained no less than 6 white decaf cups..and declaring a decimal above indoor voice, "where the heck are all the decaf cups? I'll have to go get some from the other side."*

*a brief layout of schematics: there is a wall that divides our dining room and separates the counter area from the rest...allowing for maximum cover in such a covert operation.

I brought the fresh *ahem* pot with me to the counter side of the wall...grabbed the pot of decaf there, that had sat for no less than an hour, and dumped it into their mugs. Pour new decaf into old pot...these guys are detectives...if they had seen me return with a still full pot the proverbial gig would have been up.

Return to my section of dining room...make show of placing now mostly empty pot back on burner...graciously set mugs on their table...sit back and observe.

10 minutes later:

Cups are half empty...

ME: "How's the coffee?"
THEM: "Oh excellent, Dear."
ME: "Warm up?
THEM: "Certainly!"

Interesting.....

Special Moment of the Day

An elderly woman asks for an iced coffee. Normally we do not serve iced coffee at my work so my coworker..let's call her Dana...brings her a glass with coffee and ice, a glass of extra ice, and a dish of creamers so she can assemble as desired.

Woman looks perplexed. "Well how does this work?" she asks. *picks up glass of coffee (already containing ice)..squints into it..."Is there ice in here?"

Coworker Dana patiently explains, "Yes there's ice in there...and there's extra ice if you need it."

20 minutes later:

Dana returns to check on the table....Coffee remains untouched.

Woman sighs exasperated. "Well, how am I supposed to put this together???" Even husband is embarrassed now.

Dana...not really knowing how to respond...replies, "Well, Ma'am...you OPEN a CREAMER"..*mimes opening a creamer*.."and POUR it into the coffee"..*mimes daintily pouring a tiny creamer into the coffee*.."if you want sugar..you add sugar..if you want more ice..you add more ice.."

Woman looks perplexed while pondering complicated assembly instructions. Stares at coffee for a moment...

"Can i just get an iced tea??"

*sigh*

Can I Retire Yet??

I seat an elderly couple a few days ago...

"Hi, Folks. Can I start you off with something to drink?"

The gentleman replies, "I'll have coffee." He adds, "black" as an after thought.
She says she'll have coffee too.

I bring them the coffee. I then realized the gentleman only answered for himself in regards to how he wanted his coffee so I ask the woman if she needs any cream for hers.

She pauses with a bewildered look and replies..."Oh no...I'll have the chipped beef on toast...THAT'S my favorite."

okay...*sigh* one S.O.S. special...as I'm in the process of writing this she taps me on the arm, points to her coffee and asks, "is there any cream for this?"

Seriously....can I please retire now?

Sequal to Order Up!!

So, an old high school friend of mine just posted a bulletin requesting a list of pet peeves for research purposes and I wrote her back with a list...and I started to get agitated while writing it...so bare with me...I feel I need to have another venting session..

What irks me? Wellllll....for starters...

Rude people: You know...everyone is entitled to a bad day, but if you can't play nice out in public and feel the need to be nasty so someone for no reason THEN STAY THE FUCK HOME!!! Noone wants to deal with your nasty ass attitude. Bad day aside...if your just a rude son-of-a-bitch to begin with then do the world a favor and just kill yourself NOW!

White trash: Hey...i grew up in a trailer down a sugar sand road in rural Florida (when there was a rural Florida). We didn't have a whole lot of money...but you know what?? SOAP IS CHEAP...and class is FREE! Put down the can of Beast...take a fucking shower, THROW AWAY the greasy wife beater, you can also stop beating your wife, turn off Jerry Springer, STOP BREEDING!!!!!!! and do something with yourself.

Bad posture: This may be one of my biggest peeves of all time. I see so many pretty girls that just look like shit all hunched over. Suck it in, flex the core, throw back the shoulders and carry yourself properly!

Obnoxious Ringtones & the people attached to them: No one wants to hear Shakira's nasty voice yodeling from your phone...and usually these are the people that talk JUST loud enough in the store to make sure everyone can hear them...I DON'T give a shit what your hubby wants for dinner!!!!

Mullets: YO!!! 1980 called and want's it's hair back..honestly I don't even think the 80's wanted them...they're an abomination along with mommy pants. Really...what are they?? Business in the front/Party in the rear????...Short or long...PICK ONE!!!!

Noisy neighbors: This includes those who hump so loud they almost knock your pictures off the wall at 1 A.M.(punched a hole in my ceiling over that one 2 nights ago)

ANIMAL ABUSERS!!!! I'll never understand this one...if your not going to take care of an animal...or worse yet, physically abuse it...they why have one??? I just don't get it. And you dog/cock fighters...I hope you die the most slow, horrible death that the reaper can come up with...you useless piece of shit on society.

Litter bugs: Is it that hard to just find a trash can...or leave it in your car until you get home?

Psychotic Shoppers: These are individuals who flip out on a clerk when a store is out of the Christmas ornament they want...seriously...let me get in touch with the starving kids in Africa and tell them they'll have to wait because we have a CODE RED in the Christmas isle!!!

Religious Fanatics: EVERYONE is entitled to their beliefs...but don't try to recruit me into it! And if your willing to kill someone because they don't share your belief system then you have some serious insecurity issues...sounds like a faith problem to me, buddy...take it up with your maker and leave me the fuck alone.

Scratchers: These assholes...tattooing out of their houses, hacking people up and most assuredly spreading disease...who the fuck do they think they are? I watch Pat slave away over 60 hours a week at his job. He's spent years perfecting his craft...went through a full apprenticeship while working full time, and has EARNED his right to tattoo customers. If you haven't done this the WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT to think you can buy a machine (note i said MACHINE...guns are for hunting not tattooing) off Ebay and boil some needles on your stove (which does nothing by the way) and go to town on skin? Fuck you! And if you're STUPID enough to go get hacked up in someones trailer then you deserve the hepatitis or cellulitis or any of the NUMEROUS infections you are bound to receive! Remember...in the tattoo industry, you really do get what you pay for.

Politicians: All politicians lie...everyone knows this...so perhaps it's not so much the politicians that piss me off...but the fact that everyone is so complacent of this knowledge.

Know-it-alls: Yes...you may be smart...you may read The New Yorker and have several degrees...or you may have none of these and still think you know everything....but trust me...you don't. Embrace the fact that there are still things out there that you can learn...if you REALLY knew everything you're cranium would probably explode and life would suck walking around with a bloody stump for a head.

I could probably continue on but I'm hungry and want some Cheerios and I'm sure you have places to go and people to see...let's hope they're not classified in any of these categories...After breakfast I'm going to self evaluate and work on my own flaws. spelling being one of them...

Cheers!!