You Can't Make This Up

You know the ones..the moment they walk in the door you inwardly groan because you know you're in for at least a half hour of hell.

The two "ladies" are old..the third is ancient and known only as 'Grandma'.

STAGE 1: DRINK ORDERS

Myself: "What can I get you ladies *ahem* to drink?"

Number 1: "Coffee." (mush-mouth on account of no teeth)

Number 2: "I'll have a Pepsi." (mush-mouth on account of no teeth smoker's voice)

Myself to Grandma: "And what can i get you to drink?" no response.... "Ma'am..WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DRINK??"

Grandma: "huh? What's the soup?"

Myself: *sigh* "I don't know the soup. It's 10am."

Number 1: "GRANDMA...YOU WANT SOME TEA??" blank stare

Number 2: "GRANDMA...YOU WANT SOME HOT TEA???" blank stare

Number 1 & 2: "GRANDMA...YOU WANT SOME HOT TEA!?!?!?"

Grandma: "I'll have some tea."

*sigh*

STAGE 2: FOOD ORDERS

Myself: "Are you ladies *ahem* ready to order?"

Number 1: "I'll have the roast beef."

Myself: "You mean the hot roast beef sandwich?"

Number 1: "No..the dinner."

Myself: "We don't have a roast beef dinner."

Number 1: "I want it rare though. How rare is it?"

Myself: "Er...we don't have a roast beef dinner...just a hot sandwich."

Number 1: "I gotta have my roast beef rare..other wise it's just pot roast."

Myself: "WE DON'T HAVE A ROAST BEEF DINNER."

Number 1: "Oh..Why not?"

Myself: "I don't know..I don't make up the menu."

Number 1: "Is it rare?"

Myself: "For the sandwich? No..it's thin sliced and heated so it's not rare."

Number 1 to Number 2: "TSK...I can't believe it..we have to go to the Island to get anything decent to eat."

inwardly thinking PLEASE GO BACK TO THE ISLAND AND DON'T COME BACK!!!
outwardly smiling in a grimace

Number 1: "You don't even have french onion soup."

Myself: "Yes we do..it's right on the menu there...under your thumb..."

Number 1: "OH..you didn't tell me you had french onion soup."

Myself: *sigh* "You didn't ask if we had it."

Number 1: "I'll have french onion soup"

Myself to Number 2: "And what can I get you?"

Number 2: "What do you have for dinner?"

Myself: "You mean today's special? I don't know that yet...it's 10am."

Number 2: "No..what do you have for DINNER?"

A little dumbfounded here...

Myself: "errr..it's all right here under Entrees." pointing to the entree section that she's already spent 10 minutes staring at...

Number 1: "You can't get dinner yet..it's too early..they won't let you."

I love individuals that know the innermost workings of a place they've never been employed

Myself: "ACTUALLY..she can get anything on the menu right now."

Number 2: "Yes..but what do you HAVE?"

Really dumbfounded here because I know Number 2 can read

Myself: "It's all right here..." jab jab jab "HERE...see..ham...steak...fish...meatloaf...HERE."

Number 2: "oh...but I want mash potatoes."

Myself: "Okayyyy....You can have mash potatoes with any of the dinners..."

Number 2 to Number 1: "I want mash potatoes..look at this...it's eleven dollars. I'm not paying that for mash potatoes."

Myself: "Well..Ma'am..you're paying for a full entree..with salad bar and everything..that's why it's over ten dollars."

Number 2: "But I don't want to pay eleven dollars for mash potatoes."

inwardly crying

Myself: "You don't HAVE to get a dinner..you can just have a side of mashed potatoes if you want."

Number 2: "I don't what just mashed potatoes!"

grinding teeth

Myself: "Then get some cole slaw or SOMETHING."

Number 2: "I DON'T want coleslaw! hmmm...Oh I know! I'll have a hamburger deluxe. That comes with fries right?"

Myself: "Yes." as an after thought..."WAIT..would you like mashed potatoes instead?"

Number 2: "I can do that?"

Myself: *sigh* "Yes..you can do that..."

Number 2: "oh that would be lovely!" to Number 1: "oh look it comes with coleslaw. I love coleslaw."

Dear God..please give me strength..that butter knife is only 3 inches away...

Myself to Grandma: "And what can I get you?" blank stare

Number 1: "GRANDMA!! YOU HUNGRY?" blank stare

Number 2: "GRANDMA!! ARE YOU HUNGRY??" blank stare

Number 1 & 2: "GRANDMA!!! YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?!?!?!"

Grandma: "What's the soup?"

Myself: *SIGH* "We have cream of broccoli or tomato corn." Grandma thinks for a moment and shakes her head

OH NOW YOU CAN HEAR!?!?!?!

Twenty minutes later I go to check on them. I ask Number 1 if she would like more coffee...she does. The moment I start pouring she moves her mug and coffee goes everywhere....